It would seem that I am in a minority in my view that children are, for the most part, wonderful and magical, and may be the best part of our species - I am now ready to be a father but illness, my age and the increasingly precarious state of our homeworld, not to mention the seemingly insurmountable hurdles to adoption all make it impossible for me to be a dad. I am aware, from many things which are said, that I would be told that my view of children is unrealistic - after all, 'adult right/child wrong, adult good/child bad. child problem/adult solution' - does this sound familiar?
We seem to have a bizarre set of reasons for deciding on the inclusion of children in our lives (although I use the word 'inclusion' advisedly as it seems common to keep ones' children at arms' length) - there is a long list, which we have all heard at some point and it goes like this; to have 'something' of my own to love - to cement a relationship - to prove oneself to be an adult - to prove ones' maturity - to offer up to ones' god of choice - to live through vicariously - to carry on a name or bloodline - to lift Ma and Pa from poverty - and, my favourite, 'someone who will love me unconditionally'. This last one, in particular, is a gigantic red flag and, as with the others, shows that a potential Junior is of no consequence, and is certainly not seen as a person in their own right, and cannot be seen as having rights.
The idea of one-way unconditionality is linked to the old awful idea of 'honour thy father and mother', wherein Ma and Pa are allowed to do as they please to Junior, who should welcome whatever rancid cr*p is thrown their way.
This is not on - I've been there,seen the movie and have the t-shirt as has my wonderful lamented sister -as she used to say, ' throw some food their way, do the bare minimum and wait in tension for them to leave home'.
I don't see how we can possibly be on the right track to being good parents when we are largely incapable of relating to them, understanding them, respecting them, and having no interest in the wonder of being part of knowing your child, learning about them and from them, and being completely involved in their rapid personal evolution; children are not fashion accessories, ornaments or fixtures, they are each a person, an individual and human, deserving of respect, understanding and the very best that we should give, to protect and nurture the best in each child - we owe them - it is we who decide to bring them into our lives, and if we are failing them, be honest, and give them up for adoption so that they may just have the chance of the lives which they deserve.
I know that if I were able to have the two daughters for whom I long, I would worship them, but it is too late for me.
I hope that if this post is to be pulled for whatever reason, that at least one person may recognise what I have written and comment or maybe comment just to b*ll*ck me - unpalatable opinions and so forth. Thanks to Dreamsville.
Likewise, age and health have prevented me from becoming a mother. Husband left me when I became disabled (pig), boyfriend died (bless him). Planet is not one I would like to grow up in now either. Have just had to accept my lot, and relish my peace now xx😄
My ten pence worth, I was 40 before I even considered having kids but then met the woman of my dreams and love paved the way forward. She had 2 boys, 8 and 10 (both with mental health issues) but I took them on as my own (the power of love) as their father was long gone and still to this day doesn't keep in touch. Within 2 years my partner became pregnant and we had a wee boy. He is 19 now and we all get along fine, he was home educated by my wife as she's an ex teacher and has strong views about the education system, especially how messed up it is in Scotland where we now live. Three years ago her eldest son who was in his late 20's had a daughter and due to his ongoing issues was unable to care for her, so we took her on from birth full time as legal guardians/foster parents. I have to say having a 3 year old girl buzzing around the house in my 60's is certainly not what I was expecting to do after our youngest grew up, but it is THE BEST thing in the world and we wouldn't have it any other way. To paraphrase Billy Connolly, "we're here to look after the place and care for the children, I mean what else is life for?" I couldn't agree more!
A close friend of mine is currently studying towards a master's in Early Childhood Development and much of what they have told me about it mirrors your sentiment; that currently the focus in the field aims to show the benefits of treating one's own children as human beings, especially in the interest of giving them a fighting chance in being self-respecting and independent adults. As it turns out, children have as much capacity as adults to respond to being treated like and talked to as counterparts, though sometimes the instinct in a parent is to express anger and expect the child to know what exactly it's towards. A bit like having a shitty boss, I suppose.